The Anti-Pamper Pedicure

Today I'm veering away from my usual topic of pregnancy and babies to discuss my most recent pedicure experience. I don't know about you, but besides the opportunity to come home with well manicured feet and nicely painted toenails, I also think of a pedicure as a form of pampering. I tend to go for the experience as well as the end result. I especially expect this when I hear promises of a "spa pedicure". You're going there with me now, right? Nice smelling bath salts, a foot rub, a massage chair.... It's a small piece of relaxation heaven amidst the hustle and bustle of everyday life...

It goes to show just how selective our memories can be. If you really think about it, how many times have you left a pedicure truly rested? I'm referring to the affordable pedicures of the masses, not the Burke-Williams type experience. I do recognize that you get what you pay for. But, for those of us who can't regularly blow that kind of cash on our feet, pedicures rarely live up to our expectations. Here's a little peek into today's tranquil spa pedicure.

Exhibit A:

Would you like manicure, too?

No, thank you.

Eyebrows? I need fix your eyebrows. Your eyebrows need fix.

I take a look at the line drawings she has for her own eyebrows.

No thank you. I'll take care of my own eyebrows. Just the pedicure, thanks.

Okay, have seat. Here magazine. Feet go there.

There's a television in the corner, just out of earshot. The smallest flat screen known to man, but still, a flat screen. A middle aged man, probably one of the manicurists, flips the channels periodically. Not flip, flip, flip... he leaves it there just long enough for me to get mildly interested in whatever is on, and then, flip, the X-Files. Oh, so spa-like and relaxing. Is that green goo coming from under the door? Yes, Sully. Alien green goo.

You want French manicure?

No, thank you. Just this pink.

Hmmm. You have callous. Bad callous. You need callous remover. I add that.

No, thank you. Just a basic pedicure.

Okay, okay. But paraffin wax, yes? Make feet so soft.

No. Just the basic pedicure. No add-ons.

She then proceeds to file the bottoms of my feet raw. Evidently, this is my punishment for not getting the special callous remover.

Oh, your feet swollen. From baby, eh? Big and puffy.

Yes, they're pretty swollen.

You need extra foot massage. Good for swell.

No, thank you.

She shakes her head disapprovingly and finally begins to paint my toenails. The television is now tuned into Judge Joe Brown. My bliss is almost complete.

You want flower?