My sister-in-law said it best when she told me being a new mom is like starting a new job with no experience and being expected to know what you're doing. She's right. And there's no warming up period. You're pregnant one day and thrown into the deep end of motherhood the next. I can honestly say that I'm not very good at this. And if I'm perfectly frank, there are days I wish this were a job I could just quit. I love my son. That's part of the problem. If I didn't love him so much, maybe I wouldn't feel so horrible about not being very good at this. But instead, all I want is to get it figured out, so I don't mess him up. So I don't mess my own life up in the process. I want him to be happy and content. And he seems pretty miserable half the time, which breaks my heart.
I've read enough to realize that I'm still floating through the "baby blues". I come up for air sometimes. Occasionally, when I get enough sleep, I feel almost human again. But eventually, even well-rested, the gray cloud comes back and I wish I could just run for the hills. I want to be good at this. I want to be one of those women who realize this is what they were born for. I'm praying that maybe I'll feel a little more like that once I get past the first 6 weeks... or maybe the first 3 months... depending on who I talk to.
Breastfeeding may be part of the problem, too. I'm doing it exclusively, and at the moment, it makes me feel like a prisoner. I hate feeding or changing him in public, so I dread all outings. My version of time to myself is running out to pick up some take-out for dinner while Ryan watches Wyatt as quickly after a feeding as possible so I get home in time to feed him again. I'm grateful for those little blocks of time, but until I can either pump enough to get more than an hour or two away (something I haven't figured out how to do, and in what time to do it in) or else put the little guy on formula (which I have in my head might make me a bad mother, since breast milk is so much better for him - how selfish of me to even want it, right? ...sigh), I don't think I'll really feel like much more than a glorified cow who doesn't speak the language of her calf.
So, yes, this is a little more of the storm. And while there are moments of sunshine - Wyatt has started smiling frequently, usually in his sleep or when he's starting to drift off, and he is still insanely adorable - the storm is still the point leader.
2 comments:
I can't say jack shit about motherhood or begin to relate to what you're going through, but for what it's worth, I think this was the best post you've written yet, just in terms of the honesty and unapologeticness (if that's a word) and feeling of it all. It's really easy, when you're writing something that goes out for the public to see, to try to paint a pretty picture or to speak the truth and then backpedal from it in the end with things like, "But I know I'm lucky despite all this" or whatever. I read stuff like that all the time. What's great about this post is you just lay it out there, and that's something we all need more of.
So while I just want to do something, anything to make you feel better because I know you're a way better mom than you're giving yourself credit for (Wyatt has no clue yet how lucky he is), I'm happy that it's bringing out such great writing, because that's something you've gotta know you're good at, even when you doubt the mommy stuff.
While I'm even less capable of relating than Liz, I can say that things will get better and better as time goes on. My wife went through a serious case of the baby blues, and we struggled with worrying about not doing everything perfect, but things got much better a few months in.
I know this doesn't help much, but it's all I have.
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