Wednesday, March 21, 2012

The Introvert Who Won't Shut Up

Have you ever realized something about yourself that clarifies issues you've had in past relationships and situations, but WAY after the fact? Yep, that's where I am at the moment. So, excuse me for a moment while I indulge my narcissism. This could be a very dull read.

1. I am an introvert.  This may be a hard thing to believe for people who know me as loud and talkative. But introversion has less to do with personality and more with where you get your energy. I get energized with alone-time. I value small gatherings and one-on-one time with my closest friends. Crowds drain my energy, and leave me feeling spent. So I don't value numbers. At all. The smaller the better, usually. I like to get to know new people one or two at time, not en masse. And the absolute worst large group I can think of is a large group of women. Large groups of women always seem to revert back to a pack of teenagers. I don't know why. Maybe it's a combination of the estrogen and feminine pheromones in the room. I really have no idea. But, if there is any squealing involved, that would be my own private hell.

2. I am insecure.  Oh, it's not that all-encompassing, crushing insecurity of my teen years. I don't think I'm invisible anymore. I don't assume the worst if someone looks at me funny or has to cancel plans with me. I am comfortable in my own skin, and am no longer gauging my happiness by popularity with my peers. BUT. I still need to be liked. The idea of someone deciding they just don't like me drives me insane. I do care what other people think of me. In fact, I think that most people who claim not to care are lying. But then again, I may just be projecting. It's unfathomable for me not to care, so I can't wrap my brain around someone honestly not caring if they are liked. (And yet, my own husband doesn't care about being liked. So I've already proven that it's probably just projection.)

3. I don't exactly know who my "type" is when it comes to good friends. I really enjoy my friends. I know that I gel better with some people than others, but it's hard to figure out what the through-line is. Every time I think I find a pattern, someone new comes into my life who doesn't fit my preconceived notions, but who I totally enjoy. I think what I like in friends is a mixture of common interests and dissimilar personalities. Most of my closest friends enjoy a lot of the same things I do, but aren't actually a lot like me. (And yet, even as I say this, I can think of a couple good friends who are VERY much like me. So, you see, I have no idea.) Okay, the one thing all of my closest friends have in common is intelligence. Not an airhead in the bunch. There. A through-line.

So, to close: I am a loud and talkative introvert who is somewhat insecure, but still likes herself, and who can't figure out why she likes who she likes, but knows she likes them just the same. Well, that clears things up.

1 comment:

L. Parsons said...

I can relate to each one of these points very well, yet you and I are so different. Maybe these points are through lines by themselves. I can also see how there are levels to how much one cares if they are liked, but most of us seem to care to some degree...I definitely agree with that. Isn't that one reason we seek out friendships in the first place? - To like and be liked? So, if one has friends they must care to be liked at least a little, right? Very interesting post, Shan. Made me think about my own friendships, how I relate to people, what my through lines are. Looks like we have some big things in common. I love learning stuff like that.