The Last Day: I'm Okay

Let me start by saying that I'm okay. I'm sad, and a little thrown for loop, but I'm not breaking down or cursing God or dwelling on what could have been. What I am doing is assessing and then continuing to function. The reason, if it's not obvious, is that I've had a miscarriage. Miscarriage is one of those words that almost seems vulgar to say in a public forum... cold, clinical, and maybe too much information. I said it differently on Facebook. I said, "Shannon thinks Facebook is a fun venue for sharing good news, but a terrible one for bad news. Sadly, she has the latter. She's not pregnant anymore. :(." But Facebook is a different forum, isn't it? It's vastly public, and it's about lots of people, not just about me. Somehow, even though I have an open blog, it seems a lot more right to talk about the experience here; where if someone's reading this, they've made a choice to find out more. They aren't just having the information thrown at them on a news feed.

Without falling into the too-much-information trap, I realized it was very likely I was miscarrying on Sunday morning. I was pretty upset, naturally. Confused. Not quite sure what was happening. Sad. I called an Advice Nurse, who suggested I go into an Urgent Care to make sure I wasn't having an ectopic pregnancy. I didn't go. I wasn't in pain, wasn't light-headed, having chills, or anything suggesting it was anything more than an early miscarriage. So I ignored the advice of the advice nurse. I slept for a big chunk of the day. I sat around. I wondered.

Monday was my birthday. I turned 32. I woke up to decaf coffee one button away from brewed with a note from my husband saying Happy Birthday. He'd done the dishes for me, too, and he'd taken the dog to work with him. I'm sure I've mentioned before that he's a keeper. I spent the morning on the phone with an advice nurse again, this time in order to make an appointment with my doctor for an ultrasound. I dropped Wyatt off with my friend Lesa, (thank you so much for the last-minute help, Lesa!) and met Ryan at the OB's office. The ultrasound showed an empty uterus. No evidence of pregnancy. So I got a blood test to measure my hcg levels. I'll have another blood test on Thursday, just to confirm that my levels are going down, but the doctor said that's it's highly unlikely that I'm still pregnant. Maybe a 5-10% chance at most, and I think that's being generous. I know in my heart that I'm not in that 5-10%. So, I spent the rest of the day having already come to terms with the loss. That evening, Ryan and I went out to eat for my birthday. Then I dragged him to the chickiest chick flick I could find. (Bride Wars. Have I mentioned that he's a keeper?) It was a very pleasant evening, despite the bittersweet tones of the day.

Today is just another day in the Kuhns house. I've had some very nice quality time with the munchkin, and I've already completed 9 out of the 15 things on my To Do list. I'm functioning. I'm peaceful. I'm okay.

Days Two - Five: Proof

It's been just under a week since I found out I'm having another munchkin. For the most part, I've just been walking around in a daze. The very beginning is kind of bizarre. I've been popping prenatal vitamins, cutting way down on caffeine, turning down wine at dinner, and, well, that's it. I haven't been all sick and miserable yet, which is great, but it also means the proof of my pregnancy is the digital display on a test that has already gone blank again. No proof. Well, until yesterday...

Yesterday morning, I went to clean up the first real dog mess since we got the puppy. My preggo nose caught a wiff and that was it. Sick. My husband came home from work for a bit just to clean up the mess and to take the puppy to work with him! He also brought me a decaf Starbucks. That's pretty high up there on the amazing guy scale, I think, eh? He's got how to pamper a preggie down to a science. After that, I went about my day, which included about a million errands. Wyatt was in and out of car seats, strollers and shopping carts all afternoon. One of those stops was to the Lab, where I had my official blood test done for the doc. Got my results back a couple hours later. Positive. Not that there was a question, but it always seems so much more real when the doctor tells you. So now I have my proof.

I'm also turning 32 on Monday, so there are a few little birthday things going on, including a visit from Andrea next weekend, which I'm really excited about! But nothing else related to the bun in the oven. In the 1st trimester, that's probably a good thing. Oh, and yesterday Wyatt learned how to say "Uh oh!". I don't think he actually knows what it means, but he says it all the time, which is pretty stinkin' cute. So that's where we're at. A happy little family with a whole lot to think about these days.

Day One: Again

I'm knocked up. Again. Whoa.

It's not like we didn't know there was a chance, but who in their 30s gets pregnant the very first month off the pill? Who's that stinkin' fertile? Well, evidently I am. I must have been built for another era... I would have been such a catch to some farmer in Arkansas in the 1940s who wanted about 18 kids to help him run the farm. Just imagine my potential, had I started young... Ha!

I told Ryan with a text message. It's not quite as lame as it sounds. I sent a series of pictures. First, a close-up of Wyatt saying, "Dad, I have something to tell you." Then a not-as-close-up picture of him wearing a big brother wife beater saying, "I'm gonna be a big brother!" And lastly, a picture of the Pregnant digital display of the pregnancy test saying, "Yes, that's what it means." He came home with balloons (one "boy", one "girl", which I hope simply say one or the other, and that they aren't an omen for twins, ha ha) and flowers, and we celebrated by going out to dinner. I had Panang Curry and wondered how much longer it'd be before I'd be eating saltine crackers and 7-up. Yum.

Needless to say, we're not really secret-keepers around here. I didn't wait until I started my 2nd trimester to tell everyone. In fact, it's already on my Facebook status, and I just found out today! I know, I know. It's probably smart to hold out for a bit - make sure everything sticks. But I'd die having to wait. And as soon as we can, we'll find out if we're having a boy or a girl, too. At that point, baby "it" will have a correct pronoun and a proper name (because we already have those picked out, too). That's just how we roll.

Yeah, it's a whole new experience the 2nd time around. I'm excited, but also filled with a mild sense of dread. You know, just about certain aspects of pregnancy (the 1st and 3rd trimesters) and certain things about the baby (the birth, the first 6 weeks of his/her existence, nursing again). Yeah, just some minor concerns... :) But then I look at Wyatt. At this little person with his own personality and those big blue eyes. And yeah, I think I can do this.

Again. :)