Coping with Imperfection

My sister-in-law said it best when she told me being a new mom is like starting a new job with no experience and being expected to know what you're doing. She's right. And there's no warming up period. You're pregnant one day and thrown into the deep end of motherhood the next. I can honestly say that I'm not very good at this. And if I'm perfectly frank, there are days I wish this were a job I could just quit. I love my son. That's part of the problem. If I didn't love him so much, maybe I wouldn't feel so horrible about not being very good at this. But instead, all I want is to get it figured out, so I don't mess him up. So I don't mess my own life up in the process. I want him to be happy and content. And he seems pretty miserable half the time, which breaks my heart.

I've read enough to realize that I'm still floating through the "baby blues". I come up for air sometimes. Occasionally, when I get enough sleep, I feel almost human again. But eventually, even well-rested, the gray cloud comes back and I wish I could just run for the hills. I want to be good at this. I want to be one of those women who realize this is what they were born for. I'm praying that maybe I'll feel a little more like that once I get past the first 6 weeks... or maybe the first 3 months... depending on who I talk to.

Breastfeeding may be part of the problem, too. I'm doing it exclusively, and at the moment, it makes me feel like a prisoner. I hate feeding or changing him in public, so I dread all outings. My version of time to myself is running out to pick up some take-out for dinner while Ryan watches Wyatt as quickly after a feeding as possible so I get home in time to feed him again. I'm grateful for those little blocks of time, but until I can either pump enough to get more than an hour or two away (something I haven't figured out how to do, and in what time to do it in) or else put the little guy on formula (which I have in my head might make me a bad mother, since breast milk is so much better for him - how selfish of me to even want it, right? ...sigh), I don't think I'll really feel like much more than a glorified cow who doesn't speak the language of her calf.

So, yes, this is a little more of the storm. And while there are moments of sunshine - Wyatt has started smiling frequently, usually in his sleep or when he's starting to drift off, and he is still insanely adorable - the storm is still the point leader.

Bellies, Boobies and Toes.

Yesterday was a Wyatt day. I had my last non-invasive prenatal appointment (meaning I got to keep my clothes on), and I had a breastfeeding class. I also got a pedicure, which I'll attribute to Wyatt too, because it helped out a little with the look and feel of my semi-swollen feet.



Let's start with the appointment, shall we? My blood pressure remains low, so no signs of preeclampsia. My uterus (belly) is measuring right on target. Wyatt's heartbeat is strong and steady as always. The baby's head is down. He's locked and loaded for final approach. At my next appointment, I'll get tested for Group B strep. (I'm crossing my fingers it comes back negative, because I really don't want to have to have antibiotics during labor, due to the increased possibility of later problems like thrush.) I'll also have my first pelvic exam since my first trimester. The doc will check my cervix for changes like dilation and effacement. That's pretty crazy to think about. I keep calling this the home stretch, but DANG, that's the home stretch...



And now on to the breastfeeding class. It was actually part one of a two part class, which I didn't know going in. This class was called "Getting Started". It was actually really informative and answered a lot of questions I didn't really know I had. So, while I certainly don't claim to be an expert now, I do feel comfortable that I'll have a better experience than I would have otherwise. So, you know, there's that. It is pretty comical how many classes I've been taking in order to prepare for this kid! I was talking to my grandmama on the phone yesterday about it, and she's pretty amused. When she was having her babies, she just had her mom and grandma there for a month to train her in everything she needed to know. But these are different times. Support networks work differently, so I guess we have to educate ourselves differently.



Lastly, let's talk toes. I have long, thin toes. I've always liked my feet because of them. I guess it's because "long and thin" is a lot like "tall and thin". And since the "thin" in that phrase isn't really guaranteed in other parts of the body without work, ha ha, I'm grateful for my skinny toes. Well, I got a pedicure yesterday in "hooker red" as my husband so delicately puts it, to highlight the last remaining skinny part of my expanding bod. Because, alas, even my pretty feet have begun the swelling adventure, now, and my toes are all I have left!



The stats: I'm 34 1/2 - 35 weeks preggo, depending on the source. 5 - 5 1/2 weeks until the infamous due date. Bring it on. I'm ready for other parts of my body to match my toes again...

A Year in the Life...

Yesterday, Ryan and I celebrated our first wedding anniversary. It's seriously hard to believe it has already been a year since our wedding. (Although my ridiculously large belly suggests otherwise. This is certainly not the body I had a year ago.) Intuitively, I'd say we've been married for about four or five months. But then I think about everything that's happened in the last twelve months, and I obviously reevaluate. We bought a new house, found renters for our old house, got pregnant and got a "family" car (a Yukon). That's kind of a lot of changes in a small amount of time! Ha ha, did you see how a year went from a long time to hardly any time at all there? Yeah... trippy. Anyway, we had a very nice anniversary. Very low key, but lovely. Maybe one of these years, when I'm not with child, we'll do a big trip or something. This year, however, low key was perfect.

Tomorrow night, I have yet another class related to becoming a new mom. It's a breastfeeding class. I clearly have no experience in this department, but I know it's a lot trickier for new moms to master than many of them expect. I figure I should probably educate myself in order to avoid too much frustration. I like to think it'll come naturally to me, but then again, I like to tell myself labor will be a simple process, too. So I'm clearly already delusional.

Today I'm 34 weeks and 2 days pregnant. That puts my (furthest away) due date in 5 weeks and 5 days. In my childbirth class, the instructor stresses that a first baby usually comes between 40 and 42 weeks. But since we've already established that I'm delusional, I'm gonna claim 38 weeks. So expect Wyatt in around 3 1/2 weeks. I realize that mind over matter did nothing for me during the first trimester when I was sick and exhausted, and it hasn't done a thing to prevent stretch marks, leg cramps, or back aches. But this is different. I swear. :)